It's a new year, and therefore a new start. I have so much to be grateful for and it pains me to say how much I take these blessings for granted.
God has blessed me with the most amazing family, and if that weren't enough, he gave me incredible friends as well. My heart feels as though it might be swollen, because of all the love that is constantly being poured into my life. I have been so blind to all of this, unable to see just how much love I do have in my life. I knew I was blessed with "things" and with a family and friendships that are bound together by the love of Christ, but I just did not understand how much. It was as if I knew it but didn't believe it... or, like I said, just didn't understand it.
This is something that I feel I would have discovered in Africa, a place, that in most areas, is so deprived of this kind of love and relationships that I would have only been made more aware of how much love and wonderful relationships I had... but I think I was so focused on the fact that they didn't have it, that I never saw what I had myself.
This may not make sense, but somewhere in my head these wires connected. ha.
This long overdue realization, has brought on a multitude of other feelings and longings. I am now, more than ever, unbelievably eager to go out and spread this love to others. Why bind all of this love to myself when I can go and share it with others? I want so badly to pour into the lives that surround me, the lives that may be dry, but I know I could never ever do this on my own, for I am far too selfish.
The desire is here, I can feel it, but I pray that the Lord will give me the heart and drive to do so.
I feel that I can easily go to Africa and love on the lives around me... the people that so clearly need this love that all I want to do is cry and give them all I have... to continuously give them my heart which they have already taken.
But how much harder is it to love those here, in Knoxville, Tennessee? A place where everyone wears a facade and puts on a show, so that no one will ever have to see that they are confused and hurting. A place where our culture tells us to build up walls and hold everyone out at arms length so that we won't get hurt. A place that tells you to be strong, suck it up, and learn from it.
A place that sucks me back into the materialism and shallow worries about body imagine and acceptance. A place that beckons me to be selfish and constantly worry about myself... how hard is it then to not be self-absorbed and to extend my love to others... to those in just as much need of love as my children in Africa? It feels impossible... to try and breach those barriers, to share with those I wouldn't first choose to share it with... but I know that it is, in fact, possible. Not in my own power, I am not a fool to believe that, but, in Christ, I fully believe.
I in no way think it will be easy, but then when is anything, truly important, easy?
My Father knows what He is doing, and I know that He will not let me fall and He will not let me drown... now I just have to believe it.
Beyond this, I am also in a tough situation in which I must make a decision on what to do with my summer. I, naturally, want to return to my second home-- Africa, but I am unsure as to where. I initially was feeling pulled back to South Africa again, but recently I have become unsure. Do I go to South Africa or is God calling me to somewhere else? Do I even go to Africa this summer or do I stay here in the states and fill my summer with other activities? It makes me sick to think about not returning, but I know I must do what God calls me to do, and therefore, at this point, all I can do it pray... something I have not been devoting my time to near as much as I know I need to...
but in time I will know, and God will reveal His plans... I just need to have patience and faith... if only that were easy. ha.
my love,
Amy
